Of course, sexual desire is frequently inhibited on the basis of irrational and false dangers; sexual situations which are in reality safe may be perceived consciously or unconsciously as dangerous on the basis of remnants of past experience. These must be differentiated from those situations where a sexual encounter or relationship really is destructive to the person. In such situations, the irrational sources of fear, the fantasies of injury consequent to sexual pleasure or intimacy or commitment to a relationship, must be brought into conscious awareness, so that they can be understood and seen realistically before the person can feel sexual desire again.

Finally, despite current propaganda to the contrary, it is not appropriate to find all potential sexual partners or situations attractive. Frequently the evaluation of a couple who complain of loss of sexual desire reveals that there is no real basis for attraction. The partners do not like each other or her/his hygiene is so poor as to be repulsive or there is a significant discrepancy in intellectual capacity, etc. The irrationality of these situations lies in the fact that persons think that they should be attracted, should feel desire when it makes no sense.

One such couple consisted of an extremely obese (350 lbs. 5'3"), unkempt man and his shy, petite wife. His complaint was that she did not desire him sexually. He was correct, but common sense precludes a diagnosis of pathologically inhibited desire in this case.

One need not go so far as limiting normal asexuality to a repulsive or unclean or mentally ill partner. Many persons do not really enjoy sex unless they have an intimate and sensitive relationship with the partner, or unless the partner meets some special emotional needs and/or satisfies a physical or psychological ideal. Such persons may choose to inhibit their sexual feelings until they can find a desirable partner. Celibacy while waiting for the right mate can be a constructive, mature, dignified choice, which should hardly be classified as pathological.

The healthy celibacy in which desire is suppressed until a really satisfying partner becomes available should be differentiated from a neurotic rejection of partners who are in reality suitable. Some patients manage to find something wrong with every potential roman tic partner. This is a reflection of the unconscious fear and avoidance of sexuality, love, intimacy, or commitment. As with most syndromes,there is a range of the intensity with which persons avoid good relationships and sex. In some persons this rejection operates on first encounter. The person they meet is immediately perceived as too fat, old, lower class, stupid, etc. Such statements as, "He wore a polyester suit," "She had blue eye makeup on," "Did you see the ridiculous chain around his neck?" become rationalizations for the individual's sexual inhibition.

Other ISD patients have little problem in the initial courtship phase of attachment. They have no conflict about making themselves attractive and they make good contact. However, at a certain point of intimacy or commitment, anxiety is mobilized and desire is suppressed. With little insight into this dynamic, they find fault with each partner and detach themselves or sabotage the relationship by becoming withholding or provocative.

Many, but not all, normal persons who are in love do not feel desire for anyone but their partner. Occasionally, a person who feels desire exclusively for his lover will. seek "help" in order to also be able to feel desire for someone else with whom he is not in love say for the spouse. This is not feasible. Exclusive desire for the person with whom one is romantically bonded, together with inhibition for all others, is a normal phenomenon that should be celebrated rather than treated.